New Year's Resolutions
Hello, nice to see you again. It’s been a very long time since my last blog post because I’m awful at keeping up with things that I don’t believe I’m good at or think that people don’t even want to read. I’m planning on getting better at this whole thing because I do actually want people to know about me and what I’m up to.
I recently took a break from social media because I needed to clear my head and get away from the toxicity that is social media. I let it seep into my mind and my heart that I must absolutely be liked by everyone on there and I have to succeed based on how other people were doing—and that just wasn’t happening. Every failure was another blow to my mental health.
Why don’t people like me? Why don’t my posts get as many likes as other people when we’re often saying the same kinds of things? Why am I not gaining a mass of followers?
What am I doing wrong? Am I doing enough? Do my contributions seem disingenuous?
Why am I doing these things if I’m not getting anything back? Wait, are my intentions flawed and thus the reason I’m not getting the return I think I should?
Am I not good enough? Funny enough? Kind enough? Supportive enough?
Would anyone even notice if I disappeared for a week? Or worse yet, would anyone even care?
The list of questions my brain assaulted me with went on and on and on. It was all so overwhelming, and I took several days away to just be with my thoughts instead of those influenced by the toxic tendrils of social media. The biggest thing that this break from social media showed me is that I want to do better in the new year—much better.
Over the last eighty-four years that was both 2020 and 2021, I didn’t make any sort of year-long goals or new year’s resolutions that didn’t revolve around work because I knew that I wouldn’t do them. I didn’t have the energy or the mental fortitude to handle failing at another year of resolutions in already bad years.
But as we’re coming up to 2022, I want to change that—even if I know that some of these goals won’t be met because they’re hard to accomplish. I want to make more of an effort to try, you know?
So what are my resolutions for this year, you ask?
- I want to be kinder to myself and others.
- I want to let go of the people and things living rent-free in my mind.
- I want to take more time to do things that bring me joy.
- I want to be more accepting of how people view me instead of how I think they should.
- I want to let go of the fear that rules too much of my life.
These are pretty broad. How am I going to go about them? I have some vague ideas on how, but I won’t really know until I do it—the joys of being ADHD and having zero plan most of the time.
I want to be kinder to myself and others.
I gaslight myself all the time. I invalidate my feelings, and I constantly tell myself that I can’t do things because of my ADHD or dyslexia or OCD. I’m not smart enough to do some of the things that I want to do. Or the learned helplessness of my childhood and upbringing depending on a man.
As human beings, we have a duty to be respectful, kind, loving—and sometimes that starts with doing that for ourselves. In 2022, I want to stop all of that. I want to uplift myself and remind myself that I can do things and that it’s okay to feel my feelings. And I want to make sure I’m uplifting others, also.
I want to let go of the people and things living rent-free in my mind.
Well…this one is going to be a little unconventional. I’m planning on writing a blog post to literally say goodbye to some of the people who have done some psychological damage and have affected my mental health over the years. This is also part of being kinder to myself.
Is this a good idea?
Probably not.
Will it make me feel better?
Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll find out, won’t we? There’s always the delete button if I decide that I don’t want all that out there.
So I guess if you’ve ever wondered what made me the way that I am, look out for that post.
I want to take more time to do things that bring me joy.
This is going to be the easiest one on my list. Mr. M and I have already talked about having reading nights or nights where we just listen to a podcast or two instead of zoning out and watching TV after work. One thing that I really want to do in the new year is to buy more books from the Writing Community and actually read them instead of having them sit in my TBR forever.
And even when I’m too tired to concentrate on reading or a podcast, I can still work on my embroideries and cross stitches.
And finally, there’s getting back to walking. This is one I didn’t suspect I wanted to add to my list of things that bring me joy, but walking on the treadmill and listening to anything from TED Talks to celebrities talking about their movies and historical backgrounds of their home countries.
I want to be more accepting of how people view me instead of how I think they should.
This is going to be one of the hardest things on this list, I think. I have a longstanding habit of projecting my own thoughts about myself onto other people and expecting them to feel the same way I feel about myself.
And, honestly, that’s just rude to them. It’s me saying, “You think all of these shit things about me and you somehow stick around just constantly thinking I’m shit.” It’s awful of me to assume the worst about people just because I don’t always like myself and it slowly breed resentment toward others.
And that is something I want to stop. Hard stop, full stop, every kind of stop.
I want to let go of the fear that rules too much of my life.
This one I’m working on already with my therapist with my OCD. But that’s not the only fear I have in my life, not really. I have an intense fear of failure, not getting things perfect, not being the best instantly, etc. (Honestly, who doesn’t?)
But what does it matter if I fail a few times before I get it right if I plan on continuing?
It doesn’t.
I'm going to be braver and I’m going to keep going.
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